"Shaadi" - The Format of Typical Indian Arrange Marriage

They say "Marriages are made in Heaven" but there is a format to make it happen on Indian soil. Since my teenage times, I was very skeptical about the typical format of Indian Arrange Marriages. My parents, folks of their generation, even most of my cousins and friends used this standard format to find their life-partners.

Here, I am going to explain in detail about the format, which I observed closely.

FORMAT OF AN INDIAN ARRANGE MARRIAGE

1) AGE THRESHOLD - I can simply generalize the Indian Middle Class mindset in the context of arrange marriages. To get married, the boys need to find a job and the girls simply pass their time. Liberal parents allow their daughters to study to pass this long time. The boys have to get a conventional job, which society considers a preferable job, for eg. Software Engineer, Chartered Accountant etc. Other innovative career preferences are BIG NO. The girls, on other hand, may opt fashion design, interior design and home science to pass their time. The threshold for girls is 24 years but the society is lenient for boys, its 28 years. If someone crosses this age limit, that person is talk of the town. Discussing the possible causes for the delay and matchmaking suggestions are majorly talked. Parents, their extended families, friends and even neighbours are the panel of discussing these issues, as if this is more important than climate change.

2) INTRODUCING MEDIATOR - The panel uses it's connections in the society and spreads the news like a fire in the forest. Soon, its a conference topic in every social gathering. Here, a prospective mediator is found. The mediators' sole job is to matchmake based on the spreading news from different panels related to varied boys and girls. In the matchmaking process, the mediator has to closely evaluate the behaviors of the families, job of the boy (annual salary package), beauty (fairness and slimness) of the girl, their ages above threshold and other parameters. Most importantly how much MONEY** boy's family expects and how much girl's family is capable of. The mediator has to make a call to concern families that fit above parameters and offer his matchmaking idea. The mediator is in/directly known to both the families. In short, he is the free version of SHAADI.COM. 

3) EXCHANGING PHOTO-BIODATA & GAN MILAN - The mediator sends at least 2 photos (1 close-up and 1 wide shot) and biodata of the girl to boy's family. These pictures are shot by a professional photographer. He cleanses all sort of face spots in the resulting pictures. In the girl's biodata, fair and slim are highlighted whereas in case of boy's biodata, annual salary package is underlined. Initially, the similarity of astrological parameters (GAN) are evaluated. 18 GAN out of 36 must be matched for a happy and unproblematic married life of the duo. The vital attributes fairness and slimness are further crosschecked in the photos and examined through round of discussions by family members. The boy's annual salary is down-scaled to monthly income for much clarity among old people. The (pseudo)experts in girl's family even estimate boy's probable savings after subtracting the expenses based on the city, he lives in.

4) FIRST MEETING -  When the families agree to proceed, the mediator organizes the first meeting. The boy's family visits others. The group includes boy, his parents, his siblings,  jiyaji (brother-in-law) or fufafji (father's brother-in-law), if any, and some other unwanted people. The old people, just after introduction, try hard to find family connections among each other. The young siblings feel privileged to be there and the kids grab the served eatables like never eaten before. The boy's eyes look for the girl's appearance which may happen from any direction. As the girl arrives, most brains stimulate to compare the photos, sent earlier, with reality. They exchange fake smiles, ask useless questions and waste a lot of precious time. Then a smart lady in the middle of overly dressed group of women appear and offer boy-girl private meeting. The old people frown in collusion, the mid-aged people get embarrassed but show off their readiness because it has to come sooner or later.

Nobody still approves till the other lady gives her conset "Why not ?" and orders a young girl to join the boy and girl. We call it private.

Before the girl gets comfortable with this unknown boy who starts to first ask usual questions like "What are your hobbies?" , "Would you like to work after marriage?", someone knocks the door.

She excitedly says "Are you guys talking all now ? Let somethings remain for post-marriage. The uncle is calling you now."

They have no choice but to stop that "so-called private meeting". After more time being wasted by the group of families, the invited family has to leave. The final decision leaves pending from both sides. The girl's family anxiously awaits the telephonic call from boy's family.

5) ENGAGEMENT to MARRIAGE (Golden Period) - An engagement and marriage dates are decided with mutual consensus. The families frequently visit each other to organize such big social events. The gifts are exchanged. But there is hardly anyone who thinks of boy-girl meetings during the "so-called golden period". This time can be used to understand each other.

The old people have a opinion about the meeting. They question "Why to meet frequently ? You are anyway going to spend the entire life together." 

But that's the point, you hardly know the person before spending the entire life.

The middle-aged people say" This freshness of the relationship works well to tie the bond after marriage. The more you know before, the more conflicts you have. That may break-up the relationship before marriage, which is dangerous for the boy/girl and their families." 

But that makes no sense, why one has to keep the relationship even it doesn't fit !

There is only one way. Secret Meetings ! The couple have to be courageous to meet secretly. That needs a lot of lies, planning and efforts. 

6) MARRIAGE DAY - This is the day where parents spend all their saved/borrowed money to demonstrate their societal status. The bride's parents have to put additional money to meet the demands** of groom's family. Approximately 1000 people are invited where 90% of invitees are only interested in food. It's a great deal for the people. By handing over the gift of 150 Rs, the entire family can have unlimited food of worth 1000 Rs. Other than commenting on food and other arrangements, men tend to estimate the budget of the marriage. Women are interested in what bride brings** from her home. As none of such things matter to them, but they do it for passing the time. They are queued for being photographed with the wedding couple. The couple has to continue smiling for approx 2 hours while being photographed with the guests. When every guest eats and leaves the place like a garbage-land, here the wedding couple has an opportunity to eat. In the midnight, they have to listen to 7 promises of the marriage, read by the priest. While all married couple are laughing at those promises, the clueless wedding couple awaits more to get this all over.

FINALLY THE GAME IS OVER & NO ONE WINS

** Dowry - The money (Organizing the party, Expensive Gifts, Even Cash or Property) which bride's family has to give to groom's family.