पापा, मुझे कोटा जाना हैं

"आंटी, ज़रा अमित को भेजना।" मैंने हमारे पड़ोस में रहने वाले मेरे स्कूल के दोस्त अमित की मम्मी से कहा.
"अमित! बेटा वो तो ट्यूशन गया हैं. रात को 8 बजे तक लौटेगा. तब भेज दूंगी तुम्हारे घर."
अमित की मम्मी के जवाब को मैं पूरा सुन पाता कि पड़ोस में रहने वाले मिश्रा अंकल भी वहाँ आ धमके. बोलने लगे मेरा बेटा सुनील भी पूरे दिन ट्यूशन में ही लगा रहता हैं. करे भी क्या? कम्पटीशन ही इतना हैं.
मुझे वहा क्रिकेट बैट के साथ देखकर हैरानियत से भरे मिश्रा अंकल मुझसे बोले "रवि तुमने ट्यूशन जाना शुरू नहीं किया? तुम भी तो दसवीं में आ गए हो न."
"पर अंकल अभी तो गर्मी की छुट्टियां  हैं न." मेरे बेबाकी भरे जवाब से अमित की मम्मी और मिश्रा अंकल सकते में आ गए. उससे पहले कि वो कुछ सवाल कर पाते कि मैं वहा से निकल लिया.

 मैंने सोचा कि परसो ही तो परीक्षाएं ख़त्म हुई हैं और आज सभी ट्यूशन की ओर भी चल पड़े हैं. सोचा कि घनश्याम तो जरूर अपनी दुकान पर ही होगा और वो खेलने के लिए मना भी नहीं करेगा. घनश्याम के पापा की साईकिल के पंक्चर ठीक करने की एक दूकान थी. वो सरकारी स्कूल में पढता था.
"अंकल नमस्ते. घनश्याम कहीं दिखाई नहीं दे रहा." मैंने घनश्याम की दुकान पर पहुंचकर उसके पापा से उसके बारे में पूछा।
"बेटा वो तो ट्यूशन गया हैं. तुम्हे तो पता ही हैं कि दसवीं की क्या एहमियत हैं और सरकारी स्कूल में पढाई तो होती हैं नहीं. पिछले तीन सालो से पैसे जोड़ रहे थे कि वो शहर के सबसे अच्छे ट्यूशन में जा सके. देखो ना अभी 2 दिन ही हुए हैं ट्यूशन शुरू हुए और सारे batches में छात्रों की संख्या 100 से ऊपर पहुंच गयी हैं. वैसे तुम्हारा ट्यूशन शाम को नहीं हैं?" घनश्याम के पापा तो मिश्रा अंकल और अमित की मम्मी से दस कदम आगे थे.
"हाँ अंकल, मैं ट्यूशन सुबह ही हो आता हूँ." मेरे पास झूठ बोलने के अलावा कोई और चारा नहीं था. मैं वहा से भी खिसक लिया.

मैं घर इतनी जल्दी लौट नहीं सकता था नहीं तो मम्मी पापा अचम्भा करते कि परीक्षाओ में गर्मी की छुट्टी की बाट देखने वाला बच्चा इतनी जल्दी खेल कर भी आ गया. मैंने सोचा की  मैदान में जाकर ही बैठ जाता हूँ. फिर 1-2  घंटे में घर चला जाऊंगा.

वहां पहुँचा तो देखा राकेश अकेला खड़ा हैं. मैं दौड़कर उसके पास गया.
"अरे राकेश तू यहाँ अकेला क्या कर रहा हैं? तू ट्यूशन नहीं गया?" मैं राकेश को देखकर बहुत खुश था फिर भी उस बहुचर्चित सवाल पूछने से खुद को रोक नहीं पाया.
"नहीं भाई, मैं ट्यूशन नहीं जाने वाला."
उसके आधे ही जवाब पर उत्साहित होकर मैं बोल पड़ा "सही बोल रहा हैं यार तू. अभी तो गर्मी की छुट्टियां चल रही हैं और वैसे भी 2 ही दिन तो हुए हैं परीक्षाएं ख़त्म हुए. पूरा साल पड़ा हैं ट्यूशन करने को.
"अरे सुन तो. मैं परसो कोटा जा रहा हूँ तीन सालो के लिए." राकेश ने मेरे सारे उत्साह को ठंडा कर दिया.
मैंने राकेश से पूछा कि ट्यूशन का कोटा से क्या लेना देना. मुझे तो सिर्फ इतना पता था कि कोटा में मेरी बुआ रहती हैं.  

फिर उसने मुझे कोटा की असलियत से परिचय करवाया.
"देख भाई, यहाँ रहकर पहले स्कूल जाओ और 7 घंटे बर्बाद करो, फिर हर विषय का 1 -1 घण्टे का ट्यूशन. तू ही बता फिर समय ही कहा मिलेगा पढ़ने का ?"
मैं तो उसकी हर बात पर सिर्फ सर हिला रहा था.
राकेश अपनी बात को और गहराई से समझाने लगा " कोटा में एक कोचिंग सेण्टर हैं. वहा जाकर दाखिला लेने पर स्कूल जाने की जरुरत नहीं हैं. कोचिंग सेण्टर IIT  की तैयारी कराते हैं."
"भाई यह IIT  क्या होता हैं?" मेरा उत्साह मर गया था पर फिर जिज्ञासा ने जन्म लिया.
"IIT बहुत बड़ा कॉलेज होता हैं और वहा पढ़कर लोग अमेरिका जाते हैं नौकरी करने." राकेश बोला।
"अमेरिका! वाह यार. राकेश एक बात बता, तुझे यह सब किसने बताया?" मेरी जिज्ञासा अब बढ़ रही थी.
"यार 10 साल पहले मेरे मौसाजी का बेटा गया था कोटा. आज वो अमेरिका में  हैं. चल यार अब मैं चलता हैं काफी देर हो गयी हैं. " कहकर राकेश चला गया.

रास्ते भर राकेश की कही बात मेरे कानो में गूँज रही थी.
घर आया और आते ही अपने पापा से कहा " पापा, मुझे कोटा जाना हैं. वहा से सीधे IIT में जाऊँगा."
पापा ने कोटा और IIT के बारे में शायद थोड़ा बहुत सुन रखा था. पापा कुछ बोल पाते कि मम्मी बोली " देखो मैं नहीं कहती थी कि रवि का बड़े होकर पढाई में अपने आप ही मन लग जाएगा. आप वैसे ही उसको ताने मारते रहते थे."  हालाँकि मम्मी भी कोटा के बारे में इससे ज्यादा नहीं जानती थी कि वहा मेरी बुआ रहती हैं  
   

Stop following a crowd: A wake up call for parents of this generation

I am not going to write a nice story today, but rather posing a question which is so relevant for our times. I am surprised (more disappointed) why this has not been the topic in the last decades, not even in the recent years. I have limited readers and therefore, I don't know how far my arguments can reach and help people to analyze my arguments themselves. Despite these doubts, somewhere deep inside me, I have a strong belief that it's worth trying. I am not going to be philosophical today rather realistic and therefore, I have to take some real life examples. I need to be simple in framing things. 

This piece of writing is about how we, the parents, raise our children.
I often pose a question to myself and to many people around me. "Why do you want to have a child?"
I got several replies and the majority of them either replied "because everyone has a child. its a kind of thing you should do."OR"they are cute".
My mother once said "you re-live your childhood when you have a child." That made much sense to me. But I wonder why a boy or a girl, who doesn't explore his/her own life at the age of 28 years or so, want to re-live their childhood. Anyway its a personal question and certainly not my topic today. 
It is quite obvious that no matter why we want to have a child or children in lives, they are very big responsibilities. It is also obvious that the parents, irrespective of their education, social or financial status, they do take care of their children in the best possible way. I have no doubts about this. But probably the best they know is not the best at all.

Why do I say that?
In order to setup a frame for this question, let me take you an era when I was 10 years old. It was in mid 1990s. My parents sent me to learn Karate. I really enjoyed it and, like every other kid, I used to try it at home, of course without being physical to anyone at home. I used to hit walls with my hands. After few months, my parents got really annoyed with this and stopped me sending there. I was sad.

I was very good at cricket too. My parents started sending me to learn professional cricket. Then I got into class IX. I still remember that "so-called Gupta ji" visited us and advised my parents "Mr. Vijay, your son is in class IX. Next four years are going to be crucial for him. He should focus more on studies. Cricket, as you know, is a competitive game and by no chance, our kids from the small town, can make it to Indian Cricket Team."  Was that all about getting into Indian Cricket Team ? Wasn't it enough that I enjoyed playing it.
My parents just moved with his arguments. I was stopped again. No matter what I liked, I ended up preparing for competitive engineering exams, getting into an engineering college and finally getting a degree."
This story is not just mine but this belongs to many of us. But why do we share this story? You know India produces more than 1 million (10 lakhs) engineers every year. Are we all meant to become an engineer ? Certainly not, but who to blame. Of course we should blame our education system to a great extent. Our education system sees all of us through one set of glasses and the glasses are called "Examination system". The system thinks that if you score good in mathematics, you are good in mathematics. The marking system is the most driving factor for setting our career objectives too. For instance, if I score good at physics and mathematics, I would most likely become an engineer. What we don't understand that the examination system is like a set framework. Those who understand it better, score the most. What we also don't understand that the marking system doesn't necessarily indicate the knowledge you have about the subject.

You might wonder if its because of poor education why would we care ? We can't change the system and it happens to everyone. We are not alone. You are right. But think about it, it's about your child. You created that life. It can't be limited to your pleasure. You have a big responsibility to make that life at least a bit better than yours. You can't just make an excuse if you don't try to make it better. However, it's certainly not a missed opportunity. The world is changing. India is changing. Probably you know its changing but don't see it. Probably you don't want to see the change because this will take your comfort.

I am going to ask several questions and put my arguments why you should wake up?


- Why do you still think that engineering, medical, law and commerce (CA) are the only few options for your child and if your child doesn't pursue one of them, he/she won't succeed and be happy in life. Remember I met many software engineers, doctors and chartered accountants, they are not the happiest people in the world :o
-  Can't you see that there are 47 games played in Olympics (https://www.olympic.org/sports) and India's participation is well known :-( There is a need of sportsperson, trainers, nutritionist etc. Think about it. Remember Cricket is not the only sport in India.
- You know Indians are one of the unhealthy people in the world. We love watching sports but hardly play anyone of them. Why don't you motivate your child to play outdoors as much as she wants. Maybe she likes one of the sports and you should be more than happy to send your child for professional training.   
- We all are fans of Bollywood films, daily soaps on hundreds of Indian TV channels, Youtube channels. Have you ever thought that someone writes the scripts, someone creates the music, someone directs, someone acts and so on. There is a high need of writers, actors, directors, editors etc in Indian media. Why not encouraging your child to learn one of the skills?
- We Indians love celebration. Our weddings are getting bigger. We even celebrate birthday parties, marriage anniversaries on large scale. Although I don't like to do these celebrations. It's a waste of money. It's a showoff. Anyway its a part of our culture. So why not encouraging your child to learn event management? There is an industry right there.
- The domestic tourism in India is increasing. Why not learning tourism management and make the industry better.

There are millions of options out there. I listed few of them. You just have to wake up, widen your eyes and stop following a crowd. 
What I really suggest you to make these options accessible to your child. Encourage them to learn about these diverse fields. Discuss with them about what do they want. Do they want to learn a musical instrument or to play a sport ? It might happen that you child gets bored within a couple of weeks. Discuss with him why doesn't he like it anymore. Expose him to other options. Its kind of hit and trial method. Once he finds something interesting and pursues anything for 6-9 months continuously. Its the time where you should encourage your child to excel. Help him to find better coaching. Go out of the way because you care. This will motivate your child to further his knowledge.


To cut the long story short, don't think if you are sending your child to the best school of the city, then the job is done. Don't think if you send your child to sports coaching or music classes, then the job is done. You should engage your child in a continuous discussion to figure out what he thinks, what he wants. Take him to the experts of the field your child is pursuing. Relate some inspiring stories. For instance, if your child is playing hockey, it's worth discussing Dhyanchand and his era.

PS- If you can't do much. Just give two habits to your child. Reading books (anyone) and Playing outdoor sports (anyone). Believe me, these will change his life.   










     

An (Unwanted) Alumni Meet

"Good morning sir, may I speak to Mr. Saurabh Vijay" I heard it as soon as I picked up the phone call.
"Speaking, but I am not interested in listening to one of your "so-called attractive" schemes to sell your whatever product." I responded promptly.
One could sense the tone of these marketing girls. I wondered why did I get a call despite I activated DND (Do No Disturb). Damn, you can't be 100% sure of anything in India. That frustration forced my brain to dig a bit into its cache memory. It reminded me of a guy from Hyderabad suing a mobile company and claimed 1 million bucks because he got phone calls from an advertising firm penetrating his privacy despite DND activation. That brain retrieval gave me so much courage that I even decided who would fight my case in the court. The best friend of the son-in-law of my maternal aunt, actually the only lawyer I knew.  

"Sir, are you there ?" She hesitantly inquired and broke my continuous chain of thoughts.
"Hmmm.." It took me a while to return to the moment.
She took charge "Sir, I am from Lal Bahadur Shastri Engineering College from where you graduated 4 years ago."  She just broke my plan of earning 1 million bucks.
"Oh, may I know who's speaking ?" I softened my tone a bit.
"Sir, this is Nisha. I am currently in the II year of my bachelors." She answered.
"So, which branch of engineering. Must be Computer Science or IT, right ! Is this still a favorable branch for girls?" My curiosity came with sarcasm.
She didn't sense my sarcasm. "No No Sir, I am pursuing BBA in Human Resource."

"Okay, has our college started management courses, I didn't know about it." I sounded clueless.
"Sir, a lot has changed in the last 4 years. I can check on my system that you have never been to any Alumni Meetings." She informed me.

Really!!!! The same college, which was unaware of my existence during my studies, is now even tracking me after graduation and pretty much keen to invite me. Am I that important now ? Why ? I wasn't among the best students. I didn't get placed in the campus interviews. It took me 2 years to get into a software company, no one knows the name of. Yes, I am, like everyone, a software engineer. An only dream of every passing out engineer irrespective of one's engineering branch. But I am a normal one, at least now. I am sitting on a bench and having 6 coffees everyday because they are free. Probably one day I may be known to the community.

She again intervened and broke my chain of thoughts second time. I wasn't offended. "Sir, will you please confirm us your presence."

"Hold on. Let me tell you, in the last years, I usually got the invitations via emails which I spammed. I am very much pleased to have a personal invitation call this year. However, I don't get the idea of being to Alumni Meetings. I mean I am just 26 and I need to attain certain heights in my professional career. Honestly I am useless for current students if I share my experience which I don't have anyway. And I am not retired so that I would be extremely excited to see my batch-mates after 40 years or so. Reviving 40 years old memories might be an exciting stuff to do. So I don't know what would I do in the upcoming Alumni Meet." I clarified why I don't fit to such meetings.

"Sir, why are you thinking so much ? Its just a simple evening where Alumni will meet, talk, eat together, see the campus once again and most importantly a possibility to interact our Institute's Director Mr. Agarwal." She insisted.

After a long pause while thinking "who the hell wants to see the director ?", I somehow agreed because of her. " Ok. I am in. See you then."
"Thank you very much sir." She hung up the phone.
I made up my mind not to ditch Nisha as she has been the first girl from the college who insisted me so long. I hardly knew the names of the girls of my batch-mates. None of them fit into my criteria. Many of them were interested in the assignments, exams and marks, and the rest of them were interested in canteen, bike ride and hang out. I couldn't afford such girls.

Anyway I was up for the meet. It was in the Autumn of 2012. I reached my college. However, the college atmosphere seemed more like Spring as many fresh graduates just joined the academic courses. College entrance was flooded by advertising banners. "North India's No. 1 College" printed on one of the hoardings, without an * sign, caught my attention. What about IIT Delhi, Roorkee, MNIT Jaipur etc.? Anyway the campus had changed a lot in just 4 years. Many brick walls got replaced by fancy glasses. New hostels, new buildings and modern canteen with automatic payment options were added.

I was stopped by a security guard at the entrance. "Show your identity card. Which hostel ?"
"This is how you treat your guests. I am an invited alumnus. I passed out in 2008." I reacted angrily.
"Then please show the invitation card." He didn't let me in.
"I didn't get any. I got the phone call." I was surprised because of his interrogations. I wished he stopped me to enter the college in 2004 that I didn't have to study crap in all those years.

"Stop making stories...." Seeing our arguments, a beautiful girl in a black saree intervened. "What happened bhaiya?"
"See madam, he doesn't have an identity card, invitation card not even an aadhar card and yet arguing with me to enter the college." Two other security cards chuckled. They got the sarcasm but I didn't.

"Sir, what is your name?" She asked gently.
"Saurabh Vijay" Still angry I was.
"Sir, you are invited. please come in." She felt guilty on the behavior of the security guard. "Sir, we sent the invitation cards, but we came to know that some of our alumni didn't receive that."
"Ah I was also wondering. You sound different on phone Nisha." I changed the topic.
"Sir, I am Natasha. Nisha has sessional exams next week. She won't be here." She broke my break. However Natasha seemed to be a reasonable replacement of Nisha. 

I entered the same auditorium which was earlier used for motivational lectures (I skipped most of them), pre-campus- placement-talks by HR (rarely invited), 15th Aug & 26th Jan celebrations (never been there) and so on. That day it looked more like a sangeet function of an Indian wedding. The caterers were serving fried samosas and cold drinks (orange and black both). Naughty kids were running after each other. The ladies and gentlemen were grouped in several groups. DJ unhappily played a light romantic music from the 90s instead of his wish to play "Honey Singh" songs. Most of the chairs were already occupied, either with people's butts or their bags. I didn't get any vacant seat.

I was still trying hard to find someone from my batch. Actually I interacted ~ 1% of my batch-mates when I was in the college. I was so involved with my own folks, couple of people always interested in making and spreading gossips, roaming around, spending time in the canteen without eating much. We were different set of people primarily interested in everything except education and girls. Very contrasting to what people expect from the college life. These people are unique and hard to find. None of these people make it to such meetings so I was not expecting anyone from them.

Anyway I saw a resembling face. That looser (Sunil) in a three piece suit. What was he doing there ? He couldn't clear his papers while we were passing out yet he progressed so well. At least he dressed like. I was curious.
"Hey Sunil. How are you doing?" I gently shook the hands though the gesture was fake.
"Arey, you are from my batch na ! I forgot your name. What are you doing here?" He responded without hiding fakeness.
"No problem. I am Saurabh. I am working as a software engineer in ABCInfotech Pvt. Ltd. What are you doing these days." I introduced myself.
"Yeah everyone from our batch is either a software engineer or struggling to become one. I am the head of the Electronics department (Academics) of this college." He shot sarcasm and confidence with one arrow.
"Okay. glad to hear that." I got disappointed and wanted to leave the party. Suddenly Natasha started to speak into the mike.
"Welcome ladies and gentlemen, now I would like to call romantic couples on the stage and they would ramp walk. Please give a huge round of applause for them." She brought new excitement in the party but still the kids were running after each other and many folks were looking for the waiters to grab some more samosas and cold drinks.

Sunil started his commentary as soon as the couple marked their presence on the stage. "See him. Rahul Sethiya. Bada dude bana firta tha. See, now how fat he has become. The entire family including their kid must be weighing more than 200 kilos." Sunil laughed out loud expecting my laughter. I smiled back.
"You remember Simran, our immediate senior. There she is. "He pointed to her. "The entire college was behind her, she is the head of the placement cell now and quite closed to Mr. Agarwal." He winked at me.

"Why are you telling me these stories?" I got irritated.

"Hold on and look at these bunch of people, The Jains. They started up a company. You know what their startup is all about?" He inquired me or just making an obvious pause between a sarcastic remark and a further explanation.
I nodded my head showing no clue.
"These guys are training young engineering graduates to get through campus placement. None of them cracked it but now hired few MBA graduates who will train the engineering graduates. God saves the planet." He finished finally.

I didn't understand why I didn't enjoy those stories which I myself quite enjoyed while making and spreading up in my college days. Have I become mature or sensible now? Or Knowing the fact that someone is doing a much better job. I don't want to figure it out.
What I figured out at the Alumni Meet - People get a platform to compare their lives with their contemporaries. The topics of comparisons are spouses, job positions, salaries and the differences to the college lives. Probably the college can use those pictures in their advertisements claiming that the college has the strongest alumni network. There is no connection established between the alumni and the current students. LinkedIn does a better job. I rest my case now.         

















    

You didn't notice me !

"You didn't notice me, right ?" I finally dared to put my hand on her shoulders and uttered my long-term frustration.
"Excuse me." Sanjana responded clueless.
"No, you are not excused. It has been 4 years and you didn't notice me once." My dare was on a Level-II now.
"Hey, what are you talking about?" She continued to be clueless.
"Don't you get it what I am talking about?" I inquired last time.
"I beg your pardon, dude. I gotta go. My friends are waiting outside." She responded fluently in American accent.
Although I didn't get all the words, I could get the flavor that she was not interested in me like the last 4 years.
"Saana, can I please talk to you for a while? Its really important." I literally begged for the conversation.
"What? What did you say?" She frowned.

I guess she heard "Saana". For me and my friends she was always Saana, the name I gave her when I saw her the first time. It was on the fresher's night. She was on the stage and getting "Miss Freshers Award". I was, on the other side, sitting far from the stage with my drunk friends. Their shouts were perfectly in synchronous with the girls' appearances on the stage. I could hardly see their faces because of disco lights and smoke. Probably alcohol helped them to see through smoke. However, her face simply dissected the smoke and made a connection, though one-sided, with me. She looked extremely beautiful in her red gown. She was shining like a star. She chose outstanding English words while receiving her award.

"Hey, have you lost somewhere? Did you just call me Saana?" She repeated while being completely unaware of my flashback moments.
"Ya, I call you Saana. That's the way I call you all the time." I answered.
"I guess we are meeting the first time. Are you studying in the same college?" She just broke my heart. She proved me wrong. My friends were right. She never noticed me.
"Okay, you never noticed me. I am passing out today as well. That means we belong to the same batch." I sounded disappointed.
"I see, what is your name? Did you pursue BBA?" She saw her interest or she was just pretending to be nice.  
"My name is Sunil." I replied without enthusiasm.
I wished I could say "Rahul, Naam to suna hi hoga". Rahul sounds much better than Sunil thanks to Shahrukh Khan movies. There were 7 Rahul in my class and all were very famous for different reasons. There was a huge contrast among Rahuls. One Rahul was the topper of our batch and the other was a drug dealer. I also wondered why she thought that I was studying BBA. Who the hell does BBA?
I continued "No I am an Automobile Engineer."
"Is this an engineering branch? Anyway, tell me, why did you stop me? What you wanted to talk?" She questioned.
I somehow overlooked her unawareness of my engineering branch. "You won't understand my feeling. I know you are deeply in love with someone. Currently it is Rohit, right?" I became unstoppable.
"What did you just say? Currently?" She wanted me to repeat.
"I mean your current boyfriend is Rohit, right? And you don't care about the fact that I have always loved you." I put up my point with much more sense this time.

She came closer to me and gave me an angry look. "Hold on mister!" She took a moment to recall my name but couldn't. "....whatever, I don't have any boyfriend. Rohit is just a friend." I don't know whether she intentionally overlooked those words "I loved you".
However, I sighed with a relief that she didn't have a boyfriend. I overlooked her anger.
"So why do you give him hugs every time you see him?" She triggered my curousity.
"So what if I hugged him. See, I can hug you as well." She hugged me. That was a moment I had been waiting for the last 4 years. But the thought "this was not special for her" vanished all my joy in a second.
"So that means you didn't have a boyfriend ever." I wanted to reassure myself.
"No not at all. All the boys you are talking about are my dear friends." She replied quickly this time.
"I am happy to hear that." I felt relieved. I bent down on my knees and proposed her. "I fell in love with you the day I saw you the first time. You looked pretty the day by day in the last years. People rumored about your relationships with the boys. I never believed them. But then you didn't notice me at all, I had to second their rumors. You are my dream girl. Would you like to be fallen with me in this beautiful world of love?" I spoke like an independence day speech but I stopped abruptly because I felt earthquake shakes.

No it was Sanjana. She shook me "Excuse me. Do I know you?"
Soon I realized that the entire interaction was a dream.  I was day-dreaming. Damn, her touch made my legs shivered and my throat dried.
"Sorry. I mistook you for my another friend." I somehow made an excuse.
"Okay. No problem. Bye." She said and waved me with a smile.
I couldn't say what I felt in those years. There was hardly a moment that I didn't think of her. I planned my entire life with her. I couldn't get the courage. She remained unaware. Probably it was destined like this. I didn't deserve her. 
   



 
 














 

Why "Karva-Chauth Fast" needs to be customized !

As many of the married couples know that "Karva-Chauth Fast" is fast-approaching. The Karva-Chauth will be celebrated on 19th of October this year.
Karva-Chauth is a one-day fast when women avoid Food and Water from sunrise to moonrise for the safety and long life for their husbands. However, they may inhale oxygen. Without an exception, I have seen ladies of my family keeping the fast on Karva-Chauth.
I inquired all the ladies of my family "Why do you keep the fast?" They echoed that it is the pleasure for women to sacrifice for their men. Though it hardly satisfied me but my further arguments were rejected.
Yesterday I was googling about the origin of Karva Chauth. As Google knows everything, it didn't disappoint me this time either.
Out of several speculations, one story made much more sense to me. Long time back, Indian soldiers were often defending their homeland from the foreign invaders. They were usually on wars leaving their wives and children behind. The women had several limitations that time. By keeping the fast suited their two purposes. They could socialize with other women in the community with a reason of sacrificing for their men. It was well accepted in the patriarchal society.

Why Karva-Chauth Fast needs to be customized now ?
Many of our traditions originated long time back based on the contemporaneous philosophies. In simple words, how people thought, their life styles and their surroundings. It's our responsibility not to forget our traditions because they make history and present united. However, as we humans evolve through education, life styles, technological advancements and surroundings, we must customize our traditions. Its kind of versioning of the traditions for 21st century yet keeping a historical flavour in it. I mean we do it anyway. Few thousands years ago, when Lord Rama returned to Ayodhya, people had welcome him by lighting diyas. Today the entire cities are decorated by Chinese lights, still we use diyas. They look beautiful.

Coming back to Karva-Chauth. I firmly believe that men should also keep the fast for their women. After all we want their safety and longevity too. What would we men do to have a long life if our women are not together with us.  Today many of us are not fighting for our country but only with our daily struggles. Today the women are working. They handle both their professional and household works. Their daily struggles are twofold. Still they are happy to keep the fast for their beloved husbands. May be, they are just following the long tradition and the feelings are not deeply routed. As I said women are working, they go out, make friends and hang out. They really don't need Karva-Chauth as a way of socializing. However, we cannot overlook the sacrifice.

We have two options for its customization.
Stop them keeping the fast. But if we stop our women to keep the fast on Karva-Chauth, we would somehow kill one of our traditions that teach us sacrifice for our beloved ones.
What about if men keep the fast for their women ! What about cooking food together on Karva-Chauth ! Karva-Chauth can be romantic. It can strengthen the bond of love if jointly participated by the couple.
I am keeping the fast for my wife as I have been doing since marriage. My father does it. My younger brother does it. Many people laughed and may continue to laugh at this idea. Let them laugh. They also laugh when the husbands sit on the rear seats of the scooter their wives are driving. Patriarchy. So keep the fast. It feels good.



 

Love in the Graveyard

The Spring just knocked the doors of German cities. Long-awaited Spring was welcomed by every single being. Fresh leaves erupted and flowers started to blossom. Beautiful shades of rainbow were quite often now. Animals and birds too came out of their cages. Long-term winter silence was broken by the birds' twitter. It seemed that they too couldn't hide their excitement. Human beings were a bit happier but for many different reasons. For instance, my German colleagues were happy that they could do more outdoor sports now. My wife was happy to get rid of heavy winter jacket. I was happy that I could ride my cycle again, especially on the way between home and office.   

I opted a route via forest this time. I could feel fresh air, green and dense vegetation, chirping noise of the birds. It was a sense of joy while going to office. On a very first day, I came across a graveyard on the route. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the graveyard and honestly I was not that scared. If I recall my childhood memories, I have often believed that someone would come out of his graveyard and kill people. The credit goes entirely to those horror shows (AAHAT, THE ZEE HORROR SHOW) for this non-scientific belief. I was astonished to evident different sort of burial crosses (a sign of Jesus Christ or Christianity) beautifully carved with names of the person or family. Blossoming flowers on and around the graves, attractive crosses and beloved family members taking care of them seemed like its worth dying. Soon a couple sitting on a bench caught my attention but I ignored as I was heading to the office. 

In the next few days, I saw that couple quite often. They were always indulged in a deep talk probably cherishing their old memories. But I wondered why they had to come to the graveyard to spend time. I never saw them nearby any grave or even looking at any grave. They appeared to be isolated from the rest of the world. As I was always on my cycle I could only see a glimpse of them. Every single day I started to observe their exchanging emotions and build up my own story. I wanted to validate my build-up story but I couldn't get the courage to meet them in the graveyard. I was not sure whether I was allowed to enter as none of my relatives was buried there. Even if they allowed, what would I talk to them ? Do they speak English or do they understand my German ? It took me several days to get rid of such questions and finally got the courage to see the couple. 

It was 6 PM. There was hardly anyone there which made it easier for me to enter. I directly headed to them. 

"Good Evening, how are you ?" I broke their conversation. 

I was amazed by the way they dressed up. They looked charming together.

"Good Evening" They both greeted me back but looked puzzled. 

" Hi, Iiiii am Ssssssaurabh. I am doing my PhD in the University. Actually I take that front road between office and home. I saw both of you several times sitting on this bench and having a deep conversation. I was curious to know your story. Your unbreakable bond of love is an inspiration to all young folks who are often confused in finding their soul-mates. Even though they find life partners, the love seems temporary rather eternal like yours." I stammered in the beginning.

"Hold on, young boy ! You speak very fast. I am happy that you came here. Anyway I am Friedrich and she is my friend Jasmine. My wife died couple of weeks ago and her husband died too. I was very sad after her sudden demise. Therefore I planned to come here everyday and spend the entire day next to her grave. I was talking continuously to her grave every single day. One day I saw Jasmine. She was crying like a baby. I went to her and soon we became very good friends" Friedrich destroyed my built-up stories. 

"Okay, but I never saw you sitting next to the graves of your spouses. You always sit on this bench." I revealed my in-built curiousity. 

"Actually we have the same story. I met my wife when I was 19. In the last 40 years, we fell in love, got married and had three beautiful kids. Life was going very normal. I was in an executive position in Siemens and my wife was the professor in the university. The children were growing up. We were busy in our works. One day my wife had a car accident and died on the spot. I was shattered. I couldn't have a last word with her. There was a lot to say. These 40 years passed like a short summer which never came back." Friedrich broke into tears.        

Jasmine softly said "Friedrich !!" She patted his shoulder. They hugged each other. 

After a while Jasmine continued "I also met my husband nearly 40 years ago. He ended his life like a blink of an eye. He had a heart attack. I come here to apologize him that I never really showed my feelings to him. I love him but couldn't express it because life became an express train. We thought we would spend time after retirement. But he died at the age of 59. We all try to predict life which is highly uncertain but the certainty lies in the present moment. We take this fact for granted."

Friedrich added "Yes, I did the same mistake and never realized this. Now we sit together, cherish those memories and revive our love. Anyway, are you married ? "

I replied "Yes, I am."

Both resonated the same word "So now you know what you shouldn't do !" They blessed me

I thanked them and left. It was already 8 PM. I went to home and hugged my wife. I felt so fulfilled. 

I thought to wave them everytime I pass by the graveyard. 

I didn't see them the next day not even in the evening while returning home. This happened in the next days as well. They were not there anymore. I was worried. I went to the bench they used to sit. I sat on the bench. Suddenly my eyes fell on the grave right in front of me. "Jasmine Thoms (20-04-2016)" was carved on it. Before I could understand what I saw, I eyed on the adjacent grave. "Friedrich Thoms (23-04-2016)".  

I fell down on the bench. I recalled what Jasmine and Friedrich told me. They were actually a couple. Jasmine would have died in an accident and Friedrich couldn't handle her sudden demise and died too in a heart attack three days later. They cherished their memories here and intentionally imparted their life's biggest lesson on me. I was blessed to spend time with them and be aware of what is important in life.  

Why India* needs a "New Marriage" system !

A decade ago I sat for a selection process of Accenture as a Software Engineer Trainee. Accenture is a very well known software company that used to send its senior professionals to college campuses to directly recruit some young engineering graduates. After some of the initial scrutiny,  I was one of the 10 students who had been called for a Group Discussion. I had no clue what it would be like. My friend told me that I needed to shout, repeat things and dominate others to get through. I was nervous because of my poor English and fluent Delhiites in the group. 

The topic of the discussion was "Arrange Marriage vs Love Marriage" 

With my timorous voice I supported Love Marriage as many of us confidently validated my points. Many of them got through the selection process but finally ended up having an arrange marriage later in their lives. In contrast, I was not selected for Accenture but luckily got married to my friend.
In the last decade, I have traveled to many places, met lot of people from different societies, countries and religions. While discussing their relationships, I often used to compare how we arrange marriages back home.
I never liked the concept of "Arrange Marriages" despite the fact that most of my family (even my parents) and friends have done so.

1. The concept of Arrange Marriage - In Arrange Marriages, basically your family decides who to get married with your last yes/no based on 1-2 meetings without spending private time with your prospective partner. Things are mostly evaluated based on how good the girl looks (fairness counts the most) and how much the boy earns (the number of zeroes in salary). Some mediators are supposed to get a detailed historical background of the families before introducing them. Some inter-caste marriages, drinking and smoking habits, love affairs, social reputations in their respective castes, some past conspiracy and hidden stories (even without evidences) are properly observed by the mediators. These mediators sometimes may also act as stalkers by secretly visiting their (prospective boy and girl) working places.

I was once asked by a German colleague "Could you explain how come our Indian colleague in Alaska went to India for 3 weeks and returned with his wife whom she never met personally !"
Though it sounded strange to me as well but I defended it.
I replied " We have a different marriage system in India, that's called "Arrange Marriage" ! We firmly believe that the marriage is not about two people, its about two families who choose, plan and organize it together."
She was convinced but I was not !

2. The changing concept of Arrange Marriages - The world has changed a lot in the last decade and India is no exception. However we have not changed a lot in regard to "Arrange Marriage". Now people have frequently started using the matrimonial tools (newspapers, websites etc.) which was still a taboo a decade ago. The database on Facebook does a mediator job nowadays as it contains entire historical record of your parties, friends, exes and somehow might reflect your character. Skyping has helped people to interact more before marriages as personal meet is still difficult in India for two reasons. The first reason is that India has a big geographical extent and traveling distances is not an easy job there. The second, most pronounced, is the family intervention. Your personal visit should be approved by both the familes (boy's and girl's). Of course, a secret meeting can also be done but it might have major implications when caught.

3. The "false" concept of Love Marriages - Watch any Bollywood movie (except Rajshri productions) where the entire plot is about the struggle of "couple in love" to convince their families. So practically "Love Marriage" is not  really like the one it sounds like. The only difference is that a boy meets a girl and they flirt, convince each other, spend some time together and finally decide to spend the rest of their lives together (In Bollywood terms - "saath jeene-marne ki kasam khaate hain). The decision of spending the life together majorly include how they would convince their families, because almost every marriage needs to be arranged in India. Because Marriage is not just social certification for a couple to live together but a social demonstration of the wealth, status, reputation of the families involved. Therefore convincing families can be tricky because no matter how deeply you love, their decision is based on the points mentioned in Sections 1 and 2 (Please see above).

4. Why India* needs a "New Marriage" system  - Though I am not against how people find their life partners. After all its their choice. After being married for 6 years and spending few years in the western world (w.r.t. India) I personally feel that marriage can never be an affair of two families. Its only about two people (life partners). If the relationship is not working between the two, its simply not working. In contrast, if the two get along fine, their families are happy too. It has to be between the two, the so called "binding force". Binding force can never be the families but the love, respect, care etc. exist between the couple.
The role of the families in context of marriage is limited to organizing the wedding and some post-marriage rituals (illogical and can be igonred).    

5. What India* needs now ? - Its not that complex as it sounds. If the couple gets along, it should entirely be their decision (100%) to get married or not. Of course talking to your families and introducing your partners are fine but don't let them judge you based on conventional, illogical and stupid things mentioned in Section 1 and 2.
Most importantly you are seeking a life partner not just a sex partner ! Trust me, you have to deal a lot of things in life except sex and a life partner is the one who rescues you from difficult situations, stands by you in all ups and downs and most importantly loves you the way you are. It might sound idealistic but its realistic, after all its a matter of your life.   

Take home message - "Marry the girl (boy) you love (New Marriage System) and then you don't have to love the boy (girl) you married (Arrange Marriage).
*A significant section of India