Why "Karva-Chauth Fast" needs to be customized !

As many of the married couples know that "Karva-Chauth Fast" is fast-approaching. The Karva-Chauth will be celebrated on 19th of October this year.
Karva-Chauth is a one-day fast when women avoid Food and Water from sunrise to moonrise for the safety and long life for their husbands. However, they may inhale oxygen. Without an exception, I have seen ladies of my family keeping the fast on Karva-Chauth.
I inquired all the ladies of my family "Why do you keep the fast?" They echoed that it is the pleasure for women to sacrifice for their men. Though it hardly satisfied me but my further arguments were rejected.
Yesterday I was googling about the origin of Karva Chauth. As Google knows everything, it didn't disappoint me this time either.
Out of several speculations, one story made much more sense to me. Long time back, Indian soldiers were often defending their homeland from the foreign invaders. They were usually on wars leaving their wives and children behind. The women had several limitations that time. By keeping the fast suited their two purposes. They could socialize with other women in the community with a reason of sacrificing for their men. It was well accepted in the patriarchal society.

Why Karva-Chauth Fast needs to be customized now ?
Many of our traditions originated long time back based on the contemporaneous philosophies. In simple words, how people thought, their life styles and their surroundings. It's our responsibility not to forget our traditions because they make history and present united. However, as we humans evolve through education, life styles, technological advancements and surroundings, we must customize our traditions. Its kind of versioning of the traditions for 21st century yet keeping a historical flavour in it. I mean we do it anyway. Few thousands years ago, when Lord Rama returned to Ayodhya, people had welcome him by lighting diyas. Today the entire cities are decorated by Chinese lights, still we use diyas. They look beautiful.

Coming back to Karva-Chauth. I firmly believe that men should also keep the fast for their women. After all we want their safety and longevity too. What would we men do to have a long life if our women are not together with us.  Today many of us are not fighting for our country but only with our daily struggles. Today the women are working. They handle both their professional and household works. Their daily struggles are twofold. Still they are happy to keep the fast for their beloved husbands. May be, they are just following the long tradition and the feelings are not deeply routed. As I said women are working, they go out, make friends and hang out. They really don't need Karva-Chauth as a way of socializing. However, we cannot overlook the sacrifice.

We have two options for its customization.
Stop them keeping the fast. But if we stop our women to keep the fast on Karva-Chauth, we would somehow kill one of our traditions that teach us sacrifice for our beloved ones.
What about if men keep the fast for their women ! What about cooking food together on Karva-Chauth ! Karva-Chauth can be romantic. It can strengthen the bond of love if jointly participated by the couple.
I am keeping the fast for my wife as I have been doing since marriage. My father does it. My younger brother does it. Many people laughed and may continue to laugh at this idea. Let them laugh. They also laugh when the husbands sit on the rear seats of the scooter their wives are driving. Patriarchy. So keep the fast. It feels good.



 

Love in the Graveyard

The Spring just knocked the doors of German cities. Long-awaited Spring was welcomed by every single being. Fresh leaves erupted and flowers started to blossom. Beautiful shades of rainbow were quite often now. Animals and birds too came out of their cages. Long-term winter silence was broken by the birds' twitter. It seemed that they too couldn't hide their excitement. Human beings were a bit happier but for many different reasons. For instance, my German colleagues were happy that they could do more outdoor sports now. My wife was happy to get rid of heavy winter jacket. I was happy that I could ride my cycle again, especially on the way between home and office.   

I opted a route via forest this time. I could feel fresh air, green and dense vegetation, chirping noise of the birds. It was a sense of joy while going to office. On a very first day, I came across a graveyard on the route. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of the graveyard and honestly I was not that scared. If I recall my childhood memories, I have often believed that someone would come out of his graveyard and kill people. The credit goes entirely to those horror shows (AAHAT, THE ZEE HORROR SHOW) for this non-scientific belief. I was astonished to evident different sort of burial crosses (a sign of Jesus Christ or Christianity) beautifully carved with names of the person or family. Blossoming flowers on and around the graves, attractive crosses and beloved family members taking care of them seemed like its worth dying. Soon a couple sitting on a bench caught my attention but I ignored as I was heading to the office. 

In the next few days, I saw that couple quite often. They were always indulged in a deep talk probably cherishing their old memories. But I wondered why they had to come to the graveyard to spend time. I never saw them nearby any grave or even looking at any grave. They appeared to be isolated from the rest of the world. As I was always on my cycle I could only see a glimpse of them. Every single day I started to observe their exchanging emotions and build up my own story. I wanted to validate my build-up story but I couldn't get the courage to meet them in the graveyard. I was not sure whether I was allowed to enter as none of my relatives was buried there. Even if they allowed, what would I talk to them ? Do they speak English or do they understand my German ? It took me several days to get rid of such questions and finally got the courage to see the couple. 

It was 6 PM. There was hardly anyone there which made it easier for me to enter. I directly headed to them. 

"Good Evening, how are you ?" I broke their conversation. 

I was amazed by the way they dressed up. They looked charming together.

"Good Evening" They both greeted me back but looked puzzled. 

" Hi, Iiiii am Ssssssaurabh. I am doing my PhD in the University. Actually I take that front road between office and home. I saw both of you several times sitting on this bench and having a deep conversation. I was curious to know your story. Your unbreakable bond of love is an inspiration to all young folks who are often confused in finding their soul-mates. Even though they find life partners, the love seems temporary rather eternal like yours." I stammered in the beginning.

"Hold on, young boy ! You speak very fast. I am happy that you came here. Anyway I am Friedrich and she is my friend Jasmine. My wife died couple of weeks ago and her husband died too. I was very sad after her sudden demise. Therefore I planned to come here everyday and spend the entire day next to her grave. I was talking continuously to her grave every single day. One day I saw Jasmine. She was crying like a baby. I went to her and soon we became very good friends" Friedrich destroyed my built-up stories. 

"Okay, but I never saw you sitting next to the graves of your spouses. You always sit on this bench." I revealed my in-built curiousity. 

"Actually we have the same story. I met my wife when I was 19. In the last 40 years, we fell in love, got married and had three beautiful kids. Life was going very normal. I was in an executive position in Siemens and my wife was the professor in the university. The children were growing up. We were busy in our works. One day my wife had a car accident and died on the spot. I was shattered. I couldn't have a last word with her. There was a lot to say. These 40 years passed like a short summer which never came back." Friedrich broke into tears.        

Jasmine softly said "Friedrich !!" She patted his shoulder. They hugged each other. 

After a while Jasmine continued "I also met my husband nearly 40 years ago. He ended his life like a blink of an eye. He had a heart attack. I come here to apologize him that I never really showed my feelings to him. I love him but couldn't express it because life became an express train. We thought we would spend time after retirement. But he died at the age of 59. We all try to predict life which is highly uncertain but the certainty lies in the present moment. We take this fact for granted."

Friedrich added "Yes, I did the same mistake and never realized this. Now we sit together, cherish those memories and revive our love. Anyway, are you married ? "

I replied "Yes, I am."

Both resonated the same word "So now you know what you shouldn't do !" They blessed me

I thanked them and left. It was already 8 PM. I went to home and hugged my wife. I felt so fulfilled. 

I thought to wave them everytime I pass by the graveyard. 

I didn't see them the next day not even in the evening while returning home. This happened in the next days as well. They were not there anymore. I was worried. I went to the bench they used to sit. I sat on the bench. Suddenly my eyes fell on the grave right in front of me. "Jasmine Thoms (20-04-2016)" was carved on it. Before I could understand what I saw, I eyed on the adjacent grave. "Friedrich Thoms (23-04-2016)".  

I fell down on the bench. I recalled what Jasmine and Friedrich told me. They were actually a couple. Jasmine would have died in an accident and Friedrich couldn't handle her sudden demise and died too in a heart attack three days later. They cherished their memories here and intentionally imparted their life's biggest lesson on me. I was blessed to spend time with them and be aware of what is important in life.  

Why India* needs a "New Marriage" system !

A decade ago I sat for a selection process of Accenture as a Software Engineer Trainee. Accenture is a very well known software company that used to send its senior professionals to college campuses to directly recruit some young engineering graduates. After some of the initial scrutiny,  I was one of the 10 students who had been called for a Group Discussion. I had no clue what it would be like. My friend told me that I needed to shout, repeat things and dominate others to get through. I was nervous because of my poor English and fluent Delhiites in the group. 

The topic of the discussion was "Arrange Marriage vs Love Marriage" 

With my timorous voice I supported Love Marriage as many of us confidently validated my points. Many of them got through the selection process but finally ended up having an arrange marriage later in their lives. In contrast, I was not selected for Accenture but luckily got married to my friend.
In the last decade, I have traveled to many places, met lot of people from different societies, countries and religions. While discussing their relationships, I often used to compare how we arrange marriages back home.
I never liked the concept of "Arrange Marriages" despite the fact that most of my family (even my parents) and friends have done so.

1. The concept of Arrange Marriage - In Arrange Marriages, basically your family decides who to get married with your last yes/no based on 1-2 meetings without spending private time with your prospective partner. Things are mostly evaluated based on how good the girl looks (fairness counts the most) and how much the boy earns (the number of zeroes in salary). Some mediators are supposed to get a detailed historical background of the families before introducing them. Some inter-caste marriages, drinking and smoking habits, love affairs, social reputations in their respective castes, some past conspiracy and hidden stories (even without evidences) are properly observed by the mediators. These mediators sometimes may also act as stalkers by secretly visiting their (prospective boy and girl) working places.

I was once asked by a German colleague "Could you explain how come our Indian colleague in Alaska went to India for 3 weeks and returned with his wife whom she never met personally !"
Though it sounded strange to me as well but I defended it.
I replied " We have a different marriage system in India, that's called "Arrange Marriage" ! We firmly believe that the marriage is not about two people, its about two families who choose, plan and organize it together."
She was convinced but I was not !

2. The changing concept of Arrange Marriages - The world has changed a lot in the last decade and India is no exception. However we have not changed a lot in regard to "Arrange Marriage". Now people have frequently started using the matrimonial tools (newspapers, websites etc.) which was still a taboo a decade ago. The database on Facebook does a mediator job nowadays as it contains entire historical record of your parties, friends, exes and somehow might reflect your character. Skyping has helped people to interact more before marriages as personal meet is still difficult in India for two reasons. The first reason is that India has a big geographical extent and traveling distances is not an easy job there. The second, most pronounced, is the family intervention. Your personal visit should be approved by both the familes (boy's and girl's). Of course, a secret meeting can also be done but it might have major implications when caught.

3. The "false" concept of Love Marriages - Watch any Bollywood movie (except Rajshri productions) where the entire plot is about the struggle of "couple in love" to convince their families. So practically "Love Marriage" is not  really like the one it sounds like. The only difference is that a boy meets a girl and they flirt, convince each other, spend some time together and finally decide to spend the rest of their lives together (In Bollywood terms - "saath jeene-marne ki kasam khaate hain). The decision of spending the life together majorly include how they would convince their families, because almost every marriage needs to be arranged in India. Because Marriage is not just social certification for a couple to live together but a social demonstration of the wealth, status, reputation of the families involved. Therefore convincing families can be tricky because no matter how deeply you love, their decision is based on the points mentioned in Sections 1 and 2 (Please see above).

4. Why India* needs a "New Marriage" system  - Though I am not against how people find their life partners. After all its their choice. After being married for 6 years and spending few years in the western world (w.r.t. India) I personally feel that marriage can never be an affair of two families. Its only about two people (life partners). If the relationship is not working between the two, its simply not working. In contrast, if the two get along fine, their families are happy too. It has to be between the two, the so called "binding force". Binding force can never be the families but the love, respect, care etc. exist between the couple.
The role of the families in context of marriage is limited to organizing the wedding and some post-marriage rituals (illogical and can be igonred).    

5. What India* needs now ? - Its not that complex as it sounds. If the couple gets along, it should entirely be their decision (100%) to get married or not. Of course talking to your families and introducing your partners are fine but don't let them judge you based on conventional, illogical and stupid things mentioned in Section 1 and 2.
Most importantly you are seeking a life partner not just a sex partner ! Trust me, you have to deal a lot of things in life except sex and a life partner is the one who rescues you from difficult situations, stands by you in all ups and downs and most importantly loves you the way you are. It might sound idealistic but its realistic, after all its a matter of your life.   

Take home message - "Marry the girl (boy) you love (New Marriage System) and then you don't have to love the boy (girl) you married (Arrange Marriage).
*A significant section of India