A decade ago I sat for a selection process of Accenture as a Software Engineer Trainee. Accenture is a very well known software company that used to send its senior professionals to college campuses to directly recruit some young engineering graduates. After some of the initial scrutiny, I was one of the 10 students who had been called for a Group Discussion. I had no clue what it would be like. My friend told me that I needed to shout, repeat things and dominate others to get through. I was nervous because of my poor English and fluent Delhiites in the group.
The topic of the discussion was "Arrange Marriage vs Love Marriage"
With my timorous voice I supported Love Marriage as many of us confidently validated my points. Many of them got through the selection process but finally ended up having an arrange marriage later in their lives. In contrast, I was not selected for Accenture but luckily got married to my friend.
In the last decade, I have traveled to many places, met lot of people from different societies, countries and religions. While discussing their relationships, I often used to compare how we arrange marriages back home.
I never liked the concept of "Arrange Marriages" despite the fact that most of my family (even my parents) and friends have done so.
1. The concept of Arrange Marriage - In Arrange Marriages, basically your family decides who to get married with your last yes/no based on 1-2 meetings without spending private time with your prospective partner. Things are mostly evaluated based on how good the girl looks (fairness counts the most) and how much the boy earns (the number of zeroes in salary). Some mediators are supposed to get a detailed historical background of the families before introducing them. Some inter-caste marriages, drinking and smoking habits, love affairs, social reputations in their respective castes, some past conspiracy and hidden stories (even without evidences) are properly observed by the mediators. These mediators sometimes may also act as stalkers by secretly visiting their (prospective boy and girl) working places.
I was once asked by a German colleague "Could you explain how come our Indian colleague in Alaska went to India for 3 weeks and returned with his wife whom she never met personally !"
Though it sounded strange to me as well but I defended it.
I replied " We have a different marriage system in India, that's called "Arrange Marriage" ! We firmly believe that the marriage is not about two people, its about two families who choose, plan and organize it together."
She was convinced but I was not !
2. The changing concept of Arrange Marriages - The world has changed a lot in the last decade and India is no exception. However we have not changed a lot in regard to "Arrange Marriage". Now people have frequently started using the matrimonial tools (newspapers, websites etc.) which was still a taboo a decade ago. The database on Facebook does a mediator job nowadays as it contains entire historical record of your parties, friends, exes and somehow might reflect your character. Skyping has helped people to interact more before marriages as personal meet is still difficult in India for two reasons. The first reason is that India has a big geographical extent and traveling distances is not an easy job there. The second, most pronounced, is the family intervention. Your personal visit should be approved by both the familes (boy's and girl's). Of course, a secret meeting can also be done but it might have major implications when caught.
3. The "false" concept of Love Marriages - Watch any Bollywood movie (except Rajshri productions) where the entire plot is about the struggle of "couple in love" to convince their families. So practically "Love Marriage" is not really like the one it sounds like. The only difference is that a boy meets a girl and they flirt, convince each other, spend some time together and finally decide to spend the rest of their lives together (In Bollywood terms - "saath jeene-marne ki kasam khaate hain). The decision of spending the life together majorly include how they would convince their families, because almost every marriage needs to be arranged in India. Because Marriage is not just social certification for a couple to live together but a social demonstration of the wealth, status, reputation of the families involved. Therefore convincing families can be tricky because no matter how deeply you love, their decision is based on the points mentioned in Sections 1 and 2 (Please see above).
4. Why India* needs a "New Marriage" system - Though I am not against how people find their life partners. After all its their choice. After being married for 6 years and spending few years in the western world (w.r.t. India) I personally feel that marriage can never be an affair of two families. Its only about two people (life partners). If the relationship is not working between the two, its simply not working. In contrast, if the two get along fine, their families are happy too. It has to be between the two, the so called "binding force". Binding force can never be the families but the love, respect, care etc. exist between the couple.
The role of the families in context of marriage is limited to organizing the wedding and some post-marriage rituals (illogical and can be igonred).
5. What India* needs now ? - Its not that complex as it sounds. If the couple gets along, it should entirely be their decision (100%) to get married or not. Of course talking to your families and introducing your partners are fine but don't let them judge you based on conventional, illogical and stupid things mentioned in Section 1 and 2.
Most importantly you are seeking a life partner not just a sex partner ! Trust me, you have to deal a lot of things in life except sex and a life partner is the one who rescues you from difficult situations, stands by you in all ups and downs and most importantly loves you the way you are. It might sound idealistic but its realistic, after all its a matter of your life.
Take home message - "Marry the girl (boy) you love (New Marriage System) and then you don't have to love the boy (girl) you married (Arrange Marriage).
*A significant section of India
The topic of the discussion was "Arrange Marriage vs Love Marriage"
With my timorous voice I supported Love Marriage as many of us confidently validated my points. Many of them got through the selection process but finally ended up having an arrange marriage later in their lives. In contrast, I was not selected for Accenture but luckily got married to my friend.
In the last decade, I have traveled to many places, met lot of people from different societies, countries and religions. While discussing their relationships, I often used to compare how we arrange marriages back home.
I never liked the concept of "Arrange Marriages" despite the fact that most of my family (even my parents) and friends have done so.
1. The concept of Arrange Marriage - In Arrange Marriages, basically your family decides who to get married with your last yes/no based on 1-2 meetings without spending private time with your prospective partner. Things are mostly evaluated based on how good the girl looks (fairness counts the most) and how much the boy earns (the number of zeroes in salary). Some mediators are supposed to get a detailed historical background of the families before introducing them. Some inter-caste marriages, drinking and smoking habits, love affairs, social reputations in their respective castes, some past conspiracy and hidden stories (even without evidences) are properly observed by the mediators. These mediators sometimes may also act as stalkers by secretly visiting their (prospective boy and girl) working places.
I was once asked by a German colleague "Could you explain how come our Indian colleague in Alaska went to India for 3 weeks and returned with his wife whom she never met personally !"
Though it sounded strange to me as well but I defended it.
I replied " We have a different marriage system in India, that's called "Arrange Marriage" ! We firmly believe that the marriage is not about two people, its about two families who choose, plan and organize it together."
She was convinced but I was not !
2. The changing concept of Arrange Marriages - The world has changed a lot in the last decade and India is no exception. However we have not changed a lot in regard to "Arrange Marriage". Now people have frequently started using the matrimonial tools (newspapers, websites etc.) which was still a taboo a decade ago. The database on Facebook does a mediator job nowadays as it contains entire historical record of your parties, friends, exes and somehow might reflect your character. Skyping has helped people to interact more before marriages as personal meet is still difficult in India for two reasons. The first reason is that India has a big geographical extent and traveling distances is not an easy job there. The second, most pronounced, is the family intervention. Your personal visit should be approved by both the familes (boy's and girl's). Of course, a secret meeting can also be done but it might have major implications when caught.
3. The "false" concept of Love Marriages - Watch any Bollywood movie (except Rajshri productions) where the entire plot is about the struggle of "couple in love" to convince their families. So practically "Love Marriage" is not really like the one it sounds like. The only difference is that a boy meets a girl and they flirt, convince each other, spend some time together and finally decide to spend the rest of their lives together (In Bollywood terms - "saath jeene-marne ki kasam khaate hain). The decision of spending the life together majorly include how they would convince their families, because almost every marriage needs to be arranged in India. Because Marriage is not just social certification for a couple to live together but a social demonstration of the wealth, status, reputation of the families involved. Therefore convincing families can be tricky because no matter how deeply you love, their decision is based on the points mentioned in Sections 1 and 2 (Please see above).
4. Why India* needs a "New Marriage" system - Though I am not against how people find their life partners. After all its their choice. After being married for 6 years and spending few years in the western world (w.r.t. India) I personally feel that marriage can never be an affair of two families. Its only about two people (life partners). If the relationship is not working between the two, its simply not working. In contrast, if the two get along fine, their families are happy too. It has to be between the two, the so called "binding force". Binding force can never be the families but the love, respect, care etc. exist between the couple.
The role of the families in context of marriage is limited to organizing the wedding and some post-marriage rituals (illogical and can be igonred).
5. What India* needs now ? - Its not that complex as it sounds. If the couple gets along, it should entirely be their decision (100%) to get married or not. Of course talking to your families and introducing your partners are fine but don't let them judge you based on conventional, illogical and stupid things mentioned in Section 1 and 2.
Most importantly you are seeking a life partner not just a sex partner ! Trust me, you have to deal a lot of things in life except sex and a life partner is the one who rescues you from difficult situations, stands by you in all ups and downs and most importantly loves you the way you are. It might sound idealistic but its realistic, after all its a matter of your life.
Take home message - "Marry the girl (boy) you love (New Marriage System) and then you don't have to love the boy (girl) you married (Arrange Marriage).
*A significant section of India
